New Paltz Doesn't Recycle

I thought living on my own was going to be hard. I'd miss my family too much, and suddenly receiving all the responsibilities we shared, now to be carried out on my own, seemed like it would get very overwhelming. Feeding myself, being responsible for food inventory, cleaning up after myself (dishes, living room, bathroom, laundry soon), and making sure I'm on top of bills and tuition. But starting my third week it hasn't hit me too bad at all. I'm sure there will be tiring days where I'll fall behind and start to feel it all get to me, but I'm probably getting ahead of myself. It's nice only having myself to think of for a change, no rationing sodas and ice cream bars because someone else in the family might want. What's mine is mine, and though that also includes any mess I leave behind, it feels almost rewarding staying on top of everything without anyone reminding you to do so.

The title of this blog post comes from the fact that when asked about our apartment's deal with recycling, my roommate said she hasn't heard of such thing. Come to find out our complex actually does recycle, but the name is too unique to just throw out.

Quit honestly, the biggest challenge I've had to face is trying to be more outgoing and extroverted than I really am. But that's something I expected and it's one of the main reasons why I came out here in the first place. It was a bit surprising to me how friendly people here are. I've had many pleasant conversations with strangers as a person who's never had so many conversations with complete strangers. I was able to make some friends pretty quickly, yet I found myself trying to find people who looked like everybody I've known. Of course I couldn't find anyone, because all my friends and family at home are unique and incredible beings who would never be replicated or just replaced. And the same goes to all the people I've met here, everyone has been so incredible (so far), and I hope I make some lifelong connections. I have a good feeling about this place. 

Trying to get more involved, I decided to join the radio. My very first show is tomorrow, and my friend Ariana will be joining me for moral support. Feeling pretty nervous but mostly excited. Trying to keep expectations low, or just have no expectations at all so no matter what happens my feelings won't be too overexaggerated. It'll just be a music show with breaks because I am legally obligated to talk between songs (like actually). I'll put the link in the highlight's widget to the right for quick and easy access. The only thing I'm worried about is the speaking part, I have a sort of script created but I'll probably slip and stutter a bit. Even in social situations, I create guidelines for what I'd like to say to a person and once I've worked up the courage to speak, I fumble my lines and feel extraordinarily embarrassed. Whenever people ask me why I'm so quiet (which is very annoying by the way) I always shrug my shoulders even though I know the reason why. I'm too scared of messing up my lines and sounding like an idiot or making a stupid noise and having to sit with the awkwardness afterwards. I can tell when people think I'm not talking enough for their liking, but it's never really been enough to motivate me. I've tried to adopt a different, more head on mindset over here to try and overcome my quietness. My "chronic shyness" is what I like to call it. I will never understand society's contempt with people who are shy.

To further my on-campus involvement, I got a job working at the metal studio. My job is to sit in the supply room and check out tools students want to use. It's paid, which is always a plus, but I'm hoping that maybe I'll meet some cool people who make some cool stuff so I can swindle one of them into making me jewelry or something awesome like that. I think that would be nice.

Today is the 4th Saturday since I've been here, which is technically a month, but it never really feels like it. New Paltz is a beautiful town, but it still doesn't feel like I live here now. It just feels like I've been placed here, I'm just staying here for a while, and it doesn't feel like home. Because it really isn't, and I don't know if it ever will be. I don't really plan on permanently living somewhere outside the city. This is kind of just a small detour in my journey to find myself or something.

I think everything's just moving too slowly for me. I expected to do a million things by now and visit a million places and talked to a million people but I'm still right at the very beginning, but I don't want to be. Luckily, I am a very patient person, and I have the will to wait for everything. Not sure what other reflections I have for now, hopefully you guys hear from me again before the month is over.

Also: Happy birthday Talia!!!

On Saying Goodbye

My room as it stands in this moment

It's not the end of the world. But very rarely are you watching yourself abruptly entering a whole new part of your life. Not only saying goodbye (for now) to friends, but to routine and an entire way of living. And don't even get me started on the fact that I've never ever lived on my own before. Last year I would ditch class in favor of the Met. I would walk down Lexington Ave to buy a bagel and coffee, then make my way over to Central Park where I frequently walked past Joan Didion's bench so I could sit down and eat. I watched squirrels and I watched people, and I thought about my life for a bit until it was time to go home to eat the dinner my parents made me and do it all again the next day. Trying to get into a new routine will be uncomfortable. I already had to try it last year during my first year of college, the only difference was I had friends and family immediately there to keep some sort of familiarity. Can't say I don't have any friends here at all, but it definitely won't be the same. It's going to be very uncomfortable for me, but that's the reason why I decided to do any of this in the first place.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two steps behind everyone. Moving out isn't a rare thing. Going away to college isn't either, and I feel almost redundant writing about this as if it isn't something possible readers haven't already gone through. But of course I had to crash out and have my epiphany a year late, of course I discovered good music almost 2 years too late, and of course I didn't even really figure out my hair and clothes until eons after everybody else had a grasp on their own style. There are so many other aspects of my life in which I seem to be falling behind on but that's not something I want to get into right now.

I was able to say goodbye to friends before I left, all with the promise of seeing them soon. I did miss a few but I'm sure we'll make time for each other eventually. My door is always open. I told myself I wasn't going to cry, and I wasn't going to ever look back, but those things are easier said than done. Saying goodbye to my parents was even harder. Just as I've never been away from them for so long, they haven't been away from me. It would've been so easy to just change my mind and stay behind with what's comfortable, but as Madison Fraser wisely said:

"You can only grow so much standing in one place"

I really do think this will be good for me, or at least necessary in my evolution as a person. For my first night I have planted some seeds. I know nothing about gardening and already I'm thinking I made a mistake by planting snapdragon seeds to be kept in my room, but let's just see how it goes. Maybe by some sort of magical connection they will become a symbol of my own growth as a person or whatever. Maybe they'll die before I even make it to October. 

It felt wrong being home and doing nothing on my last day. The only reason I decided not to make any plans was because I figured I should spend some time with my family. But all my family went out or had to work so I was waiting for them at home until we went out and had some pizza. The waiting was a little harsh, the boredom really. It just left me with more time to think and to freak out and all that nasty stuff. I still had to pack but I didn't because I was just so tired of being scared (that ended up being a mistake, I'm sitting here now thinking of 10 things I wish I had), I ended up just laying around all day. 

But tomorrow I will wake up and make myself breakfast. I will walk down to Water Street and hand in my resume to a cafe and hope they at least consider me. Maybe after that I'll walk through campus, because as much as I want this "college life", I haven't really been at college at all. It won't be central park, and it won't be Joan Didion's bench, but I can sit down and watch squirrels, and watch people, and think about my life as a version of me who's already made it through this new phase. I don't know at all what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to feel. Usually, I have some sort of image or preset notion in my mind, but this time there's nothing. I'm really just going in blind and hoping for the best. Maybe this year will hit me like a fuckin truck. Or maybe everything will bloom along with my flower that I swear I will learn to take care of. All I did was put the seeds in and realized I had already messed up...

Something about growth or rebirth. Starting over. I need to make a playlist.

On Valley of the Dolls

Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann

1965

4/5 stars

I'm not really a big book reviewer, my Goodreads are usually filled with one worded reaction or a strain of emojis, but for the sake of this blog I will try my best. I've been really into 60s literature for a while now (although it's mostly because I bought a whole bunch of books at once and still haven't gotten through them all). My most recent read has been Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann, a book written in 1965 about 3 friends trying to make it in Hollywood. The book spans over a 20-year period, starting in 1945 and moving between New York City and California up until 1965. That seems to be a main focus in most of the books I've been reading, New York and California. Even if it's set just in California, they always find a way to bring up New York and vice versa. Anyways. Without giving away as much as possible, this book was pretty hard to get through. With 448 pages, it's a super long read and I no longer have as much subway time as I did during the school year to be able to speed through books. On top of that, I mean, these girls can never catch a break! Almost nothing good happens to them and if it does well it doesn't last. 

The book is about relationships and addiction and all the nasty things that come with trying to make it in the entertainment industry. Everyone seems to lose themselves, no matter how big of a role they play. Most of the characters are pretty likeable though, and at points it's easy to empathize with them. The plot was interesting enough, although there were times where it felt like it was just dragging. That's why I only gave it 4 stars instead of 5. This book is definitely not for everyone, but if the 60s is something you're interested in I would definitely give it a chance. Or at least see the movie, which I still haven't seen either but hopefully I do soon. A main factor in my decision to start this book is the fact that one of the main characters is played by Sharon Tate, and I had just finished Helter Skelter, Vincent Bugliosi's book on the Manson murders. That's another book I thought just dragged on for way too long. But if you're interested into all the legal details of murder cases and trials (Bugliosi was one of the prosecutors on the case), it's probably a good book for you.

Anyways back to the book. If you do decide to read this book, some things to look out for: The chapters could get to be really long, which can be discouraging if you just want a quick read without having to stop in the middle of a page. It's written in a way that's easy enough to understand, but again some parts kind of are just a drag. I feel like this also goes without saying, but it touches upon a lot of stressful topics (drugs, alcoholism, suicide, infidelity, and more!). But if you do manage to get through the book it'll definitely feel worth it. Not really sure what else to say. Maybe I'll watch the video and make a comparison post.

Until next time.

Rest in Peace Sharon

Before I Go

For a second today I saw how dark and empty my desk looked without me in it. The way my chair was turned out after I'd left in a hurry, now openly awaiting my return. I had jumped out of my body and was witnessing my absence.

I cross the street and mourn for my neighborhood; the ever-changing cast of people has made it feel unfamiliar. My family doesn't even live in the upstairs apartment anymore and a strange new couple will be moving in. I was worried about the awkwardness of running into them leaving as I'm coming home but remembered I wouldn't be coming home for a while. 

I hugged my mom and wondered as she held me, if she was thinking about how it felt to hold me as a child. 

I'll only be 2 hours away but I've never been gone this long.

On Our First Show

"No more screamo bands, please!" Joey joked as he was setting up the equipment for the show. "The first three were fine, but now there's like ten on the bill!"

I need to get an eyebrow piercing before I leave, I think to myself. This was my bands first show, possibly our last. Angelina is off to France and then Cape Cod for the summer, then on to London for school. I'm off to New Paltz in August, and Talia, the very first person I've ever felt was a real best friend, was staying behind in the city.

"One rule you guys," Joey started to speak again. "Never let this microphone point at this speaker."

At the very final point in the night I would accidentally break that one rule. 

I wasn't nervous, not yet anyway. Recently my life has been burning so quick out of me it's hard for the nerves to catch up. I was mostly worried that no one would like us, not that we made bad music or anything, just that I wasn't sure if it would be their type of music. Our friends seemed excited, which i guess was the only thing that really mattered.

The Second Seat

I still haven't figured out how to keep people from sitting at my table in the library. The nonessential Second Seat. I've tried everything to keep people away. I've tried sitting in different parts of the library, maybe some areas are more targeted than others. I've tried having my headphones on, blasting music to appear deep in thought and therefore unavailable and unapproachable. I've tried spreading all my stuff out over the table, making it clear I was busy, and I needed the space I'd come early into the library to claim. Despite all this, it seems like every other time I come to the library my efforts are useless. I don't understand what makes me the target. Nobody else in the library ever has a stranger sitting across from them. Could it be my brightly colored hair? Maybe it's human nature to be attracted to bright colors. But in nature the brightest colors usually mean danger, so that can't be it. 

Today's incident was my fault. I didn't use any of my tactics so it was easy for this guy to come up and ask me if anyone was sitting in the second seat; that's another thing, they trick you with the wording of their questions. No, nobody's sitting there, but that doesn't mean you can. Even if they did ask me for permission, who am I to deny them? It's a very uncomfortable situation they've put me in, I don't have any defense mechanisms. Venus fly traps would just eat any pest that approached them, but if I did that I think it could easily be twisted and called "cannibalism." Anyways, it's my first day back from spring break and already the library shenanigans are happening. It's like the gods of this college are telling me nothing's going to change. I think next time I'll have to try to create the illusion of an already occupied second seat. Instead of setting my stuff off to the side I could place it on the seat so nobody even bothers to ask. Maybe I could even remove the second seat entirely.

The first guy to sit at my table leaves early. Usually I end up being the first one to leave and they get the table all to themselves. I thought, finally, I'd have a moment of peace so I can finish my work and readjust myself to sit comfortably. Only 15 minutes later does another person come up and ask to sit with me. Am I going crazy? Two times in one day. Maybe I manifested it by accident, by thinking about it too much. The other day I thought about what I would do if I ran into a mutual friend, and about three and a half hours later I did. But if I do have manifestation powers, how come I can never bring about things I actually want to happen?

It's not like anyone's trying to make friends either. IF they came up with me in the hopes of making a new friend and IF they struck up a conversation, even just a nice comment or compliment, I wouldn't really be complaining. But they come up and they sit in silence as they keep to themselves. One girl didn't even use the table when she asked. She just curled up in her seat and had a book in her lap. I mean, what's even the point? The library has sofas for that. The thing that gets me the most is the fact that nobody else ever has a stranger sitting with them. It's like, every day there's one single person who has the need to sit with a stranger at a table, and every single time that stranger is me. It's always me. 

On Music

As a chronic music listener, I've come up with a system of sorts when it comes to "filing" and organizing what I like. Anything I find boring is immediately thrown out of the picture. I used to force myself to get through a whole song or album, even if it wasn't pleasing to me, just to give it a chance. Eventually I figured, if it doesn't please me now then it most likely never will. And I skip over it. I suppose that same mentality can apply to other life situations. Why must we force ourselves to pursue routes which bring no joy? Why must we try things we have no interest in, just to feel the satisfaction of saying we completed it? What small chance of short lived satisfaction is worth time being uncomfortable and strained?

All my music must be organized into playlists with songs and artists of a similar type. That way, if I'm feeling a certain way I know where I can find songs to match, elevate, or even dampen my mood. Sometimes if I listen to the wrong song for the state I'm in it gets really uncomfortable and everything feels so jumbled up - it's better to stick to what's familiar.