It's not the end of the world. But very rarely are you watching yourself abruptly entering a whole new part of your life. Not only saying goodbye (for now) to friends, but to routine and an entire way of living. And don't even get me started on the fact that I've never ever lived on my own before. Last year I would ditch class in favor of the Met. I would walk down Lexington Ave to buy a bagel and coffee, then make my way over to Central Park where I frequently walked past Joan Didion's bench so I could sit down and eat. I watched squirrels and I watched people, and I thought about my life for a bit until it was time to go home to eat the dinner my parents made me and do it all again the next day. Trying to get into a new routine will be uncomfortable. I already had to try it last year during my first year of college, the only difference was I had friends and family immediately there to keep some sort of familiarity. Can't say I don't have any friends here at all, but it definitely won't be the same. It's going to be very uncomfortable for me, but that's the reason why I decided to do any of this in the first place.
Sometimes I feel like I'm two steps behind everyone. Moving out isn't a rare thing. Going away to college isn't either, and I feel almost redundant writing about this as if it isn't something possible readers haven't already gone through. But of course I had to crash out and have my epiphany a year late, of course I discovered good music almost 2 years too late, and of course I didn't even really figure out my hair and clothes until eons after everybody else had a grasp on their own style. There are so many other aspects of my life in which I seem to be falling behind on but that's not something I want to get into right now.
I was able to say goodbye to friends before I left, all with the promise of seeing them soon. I did miss a few but I'm sure we'll make time for each other eventually. My door is always open. I told myself I wasn't going to cry, and I wasn't going to ever look back, but those things are easier said than done. Saying goodbye to my parents was even harder. Just as I've never been away from them for so long, they haven't been away from me. It would've been so easy to just change my mind and stay behind with what's comfortable, but as Madison Fraser wisely said:
"You can only grow so much standing in one place"
I really do think this will be good for me, or at least necessary in my evolution as a person. For my first night I have planted some seeds. I know nothing about gardening and already I'm thinking I made a mistake by planting snapdragon seeds to be kept in my room, but let's just see how it goes. Maybe by some sort of magical connection they will become a symbol of my own growth as a person or whatever. Maybe they'll die before I even make it to October.
It felt wrong being home and doing nothing on my last day. The only reason I decided not to make any plans was because I figured I should spend some time with my family. But all my family went out or had to work so I was waiting for them at home until we went out and had some pizza. The waiting was a little harsh, the boredom really. It just left me with more time to think and to freak out and all that nasty stuff. I still had to pack but I didn't because I was just so tired of being scared (that ended up being a mistake, I'm sitting here now thinking of 10 things I wish I had), I ended up just laying around all day.
But tomorrow I will wake up and make myself breakfast. I will walk down to Water Street and hand in my resume to a cafe and hope they at least consider me. Maybe after that I'll walk through campus, because as much as I want this "college life", I haven't really been at college at all. It won't be central park, and it won't be Joan Didion's bench, but I can sit down and watch squirrels, and watch people, and think about my life as a version of me who's already made it through this new phase. I don't know at all what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to feel. Usually, I have some sort of image or preset notion in my mind, but this time there's nothing. I'm really just going in blind and hoping for the best. Maybe this year will hit me like a fuckin truck. Or maybe everything will bloom along with my flower that I swear I will learn to take care of. All I did was put the seeds in and realized I had already messed up...
Something about growth or rebirth. Starting over. I need to make a playlist.
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