A collection of entries I've tried posting for months
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When asked how she writes, Eve Babitz answered, "on a typewriter in the morning when there's nothing else to do."
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I'd like to write a novel but I'd have to get over myself first and I'll make you the mother and I'll be a doll in the corner and I'd write something gladly but any evidence of me would have to be removed completely and I fill up a notebook with nonsense because I want to write so bad but nothing comes out my well is dry so I try repeating myself -- The school girls on a summer day, the school girls on a summer day -- Maybe some of the words will be useful.
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Speaking in Tongues: A Letter to 3rd World Women Writers by Gloria Anzaldua
"I write because life does not appease my appetites and hunger. I write to record what others erase when I speak... To convince myself that I am worthy and that what I have to say is not a pile of shit... Finally, I write because I'm scared of writing but I'm more scared of not writing."
I'd like to write a novel, whatever, I'd like to write one just for the sake of doing it. I think I'd be way too embarrassed to publish it. It's a little embarrassing, I think. Every time I think about what I would write, I imagine the people close to me reading it and I just retract back inside of myself as I imagine them wondering why I would ever come up with this stuff.
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I love the physical act of writing, and how the graphite from my pencil on the paper feels. I know that once I start writing, I won't stop until I have so many ideas crowding my brain and I just can't get them out in time and I forget it all. The truth is, writing takes a lot of effort and when I can't write something as good as Joan Didion or Sinead O'Connor then there's just no use.
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I've thought about and tried writing this new post for months, even just writing in general. I seem to have so much going on and at the same time, nothing at all. I've also put this pressure on myself to write something that's "good" or "about something" which only leads me to write nothing. Writing is art to me and I'm not willing to make art unless I'm sat down and focused with a clear idea. I used to carry a notebook everywhere with me and just wrote whatever until something came out of it.
The truth is I used to take all my hobbies a lot more seriously. I would play guitar for hours and write entire stories and fill my sketchbooks with drawings because I wanted to be good. But I guess now I've come to a place where I'm satisfied with my skill so I only have to create in order to put it out there, and I notoriously hate putting myself out there.
And I don't think I have writers block or artists block or anything. I think I've just gotten comfortable and lazy or maybe even scared. I thought that coming to college and living on my own (well, with a roommate) would lead to me being more creative, but instead I just sit around and consume what other people make with little to no desire to make anything of my own. I'm just so uninspired.
When I was in high school everything was still new to me, the music I liked, the clothes I wore, the hobbies I had; I was still exploring who I was and I guess that was my motivation to go and just do everything. I wish I could somehow reset and rediscover myself all over again. And I know I'm still young, I don't know myself as a mother or a partner or a teacher- but those are all still so far off.
Is there any way to justify this stillness? I am at peace with myself. I am on the right track for my career and every day I feel better about my decision to go down this path. I've just been waiting for something "big" to happen without really caring about what happens until it does.
There is a lot to explain how I feel. That's why I never felt I was a good song writer, I always need to use many words to express myself.
My hair is short and I'm pulling it off, that's something.
And I miss my cat.
