On Saying Goodbye

My room as it stands in this moment

It's not the end of the world. But very rarely are you watching yourself abruptly entering a whole new part of your life. Not only saying goodbye (for now) to friends, but to routine and an entire way of living. And don't even get me started on the fact that I've never ever lived on my own before. Last year I would ditch class in favor of the Met. I would walk down Lexington Ave to buy a bagel and coffee, then make my way over to Central Park where I frequently walked past Joan Didion's bench so I could sit down and eat. I watched squirrels and I watched people, and I thought about my life for a bit until it was time to go home to eat the dinner my parents made me and do it all again the next day. Trying to get into a new routine will be uncomfortable. I already had to try it last year during my first year of college, the only difference was I had friends and family immediately there to keep some sort of familiarity. Can't say I don't have any friends here at all, but it definitely won't be the same. It's going to be very uncomfortable for me, but that's the reason why I decided to do any of this in the first place.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two steps behind everyone. Moving out isn't a rare thing. Going away to college isn't either, and I feel almost redundant writing about this as if it isn't something possible readers haven't already gone through. But of course I had to crash out and have my epiphany a year late, of course I discovered good music almost 2 years too late, and of course I didn't even really figure out my hair and clothes until eons after everybody else had a grasp on their own style. There are so many other aspects of my life in which I seem to be falling behind on but that's not something I want to get into right now.

I was able to say goodbye to friends before I left, all with the promise of seeing them soon. I did miss a few but I'm sure we'll make time for each other eventually. My door is always open. I told myself I wasn't going to cry, and I wasn't going to ever look back, but those things are easier said than done. Saying goodbye to my parents was even harder. Just as I've never been away from them for so long, they haven't been away from me. It would've been so easy to just change my mind and stay behind with what's comfortable, but as Madison Fraser wisely said:

"You can only grow so much standing in one place"

I really do think this will be good for me, or at least necessary in my evolution as a person. For my first night I have planted some seeds. I know nothing about gardening and already I'm thinking I made a mistake by planting snapdragon seeds to be kept in my room, but let's just see how it goes. Maybe by some sort of magical connection they will become a symbol of my own growth as a person or whatever. Maybe they'll die before I even make it to October. 

It felt wrong being home and doing nothing on my last day. The only reason I decided not to make any plans was because I figured I should spend some time with my family. But all my family went out or had to work so I was waiting for them at home until we went out and had some pizza. The waiting was a little harsh, the boredom really. It just left me with more time to think and to freak out and all that nasty stuff. I still had to pack but I didn't because I was just so tired of being scared (that ended up being a mistake, I'm sitting here now thinking of 10 things I wish I had), I ended up just laying around all day. 

But tomorrow I will wake up and make myself breakfast. I will walk down to Water Street and hand in my resume to a cafe and hope they at least consider me. Maybe after that I'll walk through campus, because as much as I want this "college life", I haven't really been at college at all. It won't be central park, and it won't be Joan Didion's bench, but I can sit down and watch squirrels, and watch people, and think about my life as a version of me who's already made it through this new phase. I don't know at all what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to feel. Usually, I have some sort of image or preset notion in my mind, but this time there's nothing. I'm really just going in blind and hoping for the best. Maybe this year will hit me like a fuckin truck. Or maybe everything will bloom along with my flower that I swear I will learn to take care of. All I did was put the seeds in and realized I had already messed up...

Something about growth or rebirth. Starting over. I need to make a playlist.

On Valley of the Dolls

Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann

1965

4/5 stars

I'm not really a big book reviewer, my Goodreads are usually filled with one worded reaction or a strain of emojis, but for the sake of this blog I will try my best. I've been really into 60s literature for a while now (although it's mostly because I bought a whole bunch of books at once and still haven't gotten through them all). My most recent read has been Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann, a book written in 1965 about 3 friends trying to make it in Hollywood. The book spans over a 20-year period, starting in 1945 and moving between New York City and California up until 1965. That seems to be a main focus in most of the books I've been reading, New York and California. Even if it's set just in California, they always find a way to bring up New York and vice versa. Anyways. Without giving away as much as possible, this book was pretty hard to get through. With 448 pages, it's a super long read and I no longer have as much subway time as I did during the school year to be able to speed through books. On top of that, I mean, these girls can never catch a break! Almost nothing good happens to them and if it does well it doesn't last. 

The book is about relationships and addiction and all the nasty things that come with trying to make it in the entertainment industry. Everyone seems to lose themselves, no matter how big of a role they play. Most of the characters are pretty likeable though, and at points it's easy to empathize with them. The plot was interesting enough, although there were times where it felt like it was just dragging. That's why I only gave it 4 stars instead of 5. This book is definitely not for everyone, but if the 60s is something you're interested in I would definitely give it a chance. Or at least see the movie, which I still haven't seen either but hopefully I do soon. A main factor in my decision to start this book is the fact that one of the main characters is played by Sharon Tate, and I had just finished Helter Skelter, Vincent Bugliosi's book on the Manson murders. That's another book I thought just dragged on for way too long. But if you're interested into all the legal details of murder cases and trials (Bugliosi was one of the prosecutors on the case), it's probably a good book for you.

Anyways back to the book. If you do decide to read this book, some things to look out for: The chapters could get to be really long, which can be discouraging if you just want a quick read without having to stop in the middle of a page. It's written in a way that's easy enough to understand, but again some parts kind of are just a drag. I feel like this also goes without saying, but it touches upon a lot of stressful topics (drugs, alcoholism, suicide, infidelity, and more!). But if you do manage to get through the book it'll definitely feel worth it. Not really sure what else to say. Maybe I'll watch the video and make a comparison post.

Until next time.

Rest in Peace Sharon

Before I Go

For a second today I saw how dark and empty my desk looked without me in it. The way my chair was turned out after I'd left in a hurry, now openly awaiting my return. I had jumped out of my body and was witnessing my absence.

I cross the street and mourn for my neighborhood; the ever-changing cast of people has made it feel unfamiliar. My family doesn't even live in the upstairs apartment anymore and a strange new couple will be moving in. I was worried about the awkwardness of running into them leaving as I'm coming home but remembered I wouldn't be coming home for a while. 

I hugged my mom and wondered as she held me, if she was thinking about how it felt to hold me as a child. 

I'll only be 2 hours away but I've never been gone this long.